Back in 2007, Vince McMahon and his team of lawyers sat down for a Congressional hearing about steroids and wrestling. What followed may be the greatest transcript in the history of Congress (minus the definition of “is”). McMahon and his crew were the typical assholes that they appear to be, and while they may have been right to say what they said, it’s how they said it that makes this read brilliantly.

The transcript is quite long (PDF), but well worth the read. I thought I’d just skim it, but I couldn’t look away. Some of the passages almost seem scripted in their classic-ness. The sheer balls of this man to sit in front of Congress and answer the way he did makes you just shake your head.

Some samples:

The following back-and-forth took place after a simple question about the session being recorded:

Mr. Leviss. Are you or your attorneys recording this session today in any means, a tape-recording or in any other capacity?
Mr. McMahon. No, not that I’m aware of.
Mr. McDevitt. Are we allowed to?
Mr. Leviss. No.
Mr. McDevitt. I didn’t think so.
Mr. McMahon. You’re shaking your head. We are allowed to?
Mr. Cohen. No, you are not. We are asking the question to confirm that you are not.
Mr. Leviss. It’s not something that we discussed and I just wanted to clarify that.
Mr. McDevitt. Why would you even think we would do that?
Mr. Leviss. I didn’t suggest that you would do it.
Mr. McDevitt. What good-faith basis would you even have to ask a question like that, whether we’re recording this? We know it’s against the rules.
Mr. Leviss. You asked me if it was against the rules, so maybe you didn’t know.
Mr. McDevitt. Well, no, I thought it was. That’s why I’m stunned by your question.
Mr. Leviss. I have a good-faith basis to ask all the questions that I’m asking here today.
Mr. McDevitt. What’s your good-faith basis to ask if we’re recording this?
Mr. Leviss It’s not something that we had discussed and I wanted to clarify that you understood that it’s not allowable.
Mr. McDevitt. You didn’t ask any of the other two witnesses that question.
Mr. Leviss. You’re right. And it didn’t occur to me until this afternoon that I hadn’t asked them, so I wanted to clarify that.
Mr. McMahon. Please go ahead.
Ms. Despres. If we may, we have asked other witnesses that question.
Mr. McDevitt. You didn’t ask Linda. You didn’t ask Stephanie.
Ms. Despres. No.

What is this, an Abbott and Costello routine?

Here’s Vince McMahon on his job:

Q What is your current position within the company?
A I’m the chairman.
Do we have to go through this rigamarole?  Why don’t you just get to the meat of it?You know who I am, you know what my position is.  Why don’t we just get to it?

Rigamarole, or rigmarole: confused or meaningless talk.

McMahon proceeded to avoid answering any questions about whether or not he thinks steroids may be dangerous, answering logically that he is not a doctor. He refused to say if he had any beliefs on the issue, always yielding to the fact that he is a businessman, and not a doctor.

The most entertaining part of the whole transcript may be the lecturing way that Mr. McMahons’ counsel speaks to the Congressmen asking questions. It seemed to be a non-stop lecture in how to ask questions in a legal setting, and became quite comical at many points.

And of course, the highlight of the hearing, Vince McMahon on Frank Deford:

Q What about — some of his work received coverage in a number of other more mainstream outlets, for example, Sports Illustrated. I believe Frank Deford did a story on the Meltzer numbers. Are you familiar with that?
A Look, I’ve borrowed one of Frank Deford’s shoes one night. He doesn’t like me.
Q Are you familiar with his story?
A No. Other than Frank Deford wrote something derogatory. But, you know, he has no sense of humor and he doesn’t like me. We were bowling one night and I borrowed one of his shoes and he never found it. And so he had to walk home in a bowling shoe and one of his others, and he was upset about that I understand.
Mr. Leviss. I’m going to have to note that would be upsetting too.
Mr. O’Neil. Now we know the rest of the story.
Mr. McDevitt. You’re hearing something for the first time, too. I never heard that one.
Mr. McMahon. Well, actually I also borrowed one of his wife’s shoes, too.
Mr. McDevitt. That’s a whole different story.
Mr. McMahon. I left that part out.
Mr. Leviss. I take it she was not your size.

I really would like to know what McMahon means when he says he borrowed on of Frank Deford’s wife’s shoes. I think we need to do a Real Sports investigation into this.

And McMahon’s counsel of course dropped this piece of awesome:

I’m not going to allow you to harass this man. How is that pertinent to anything about whether this wellness program works? And you came in here today professing you have an open mind and you’re telling me that you didn’t have this in mind when you rote this list? Bullshit.

I didn’t plan on reading this whole thing, but it really is a gift that just keeps on giving. If you have the time, I suggest flipping though it. You won’t be disappointed.

I find it best to picture McMahon in his full Armen-Keteyian-interview-rage-mode, and all of his lawyers to be played by variations of Joe Pesci in My Cousin Vinny. Read the whole transcript this way and you will have entertainment.

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