Sports blogs from coast-to-coast all ran the same quote in the last day or two from the wife of Philadelphia Phillies ace Cole Hamels, about how much she is excited about adopting an “AIDS orphan” from Ethiopia.

While it’s cute and all to have dreams of holding hands with “little black stick figures,” it’s becoming more and more clear that Hamels and his wife, Heidi Strobel, are not the brightest people in the world.

First there was her quote, originally in Sports Illustrated, but now well documented at The Big Lead, Deadspin, The 700 Level and many more:

“We’re in the process of adopting an AIDS orphan from Ethiopia. Maybe two. I’m so pumped. I’d adopt six if I could. When I was five years old—I grew up in a very rural town in Missouri, and I had never even seen a black person—they asked us to draw a picture of ourselves in the future, and I drew myself holding hands with a line of tiny black stick figures. I’ve always wanted this. We’re not just doing it because it’s the Brad and Angelina plan, but because we’re in the position to do it and it’s the right thing to do,”

It really is a charming tale to hear of a rich and famous woman (still not sure why on either count) had dreams of taking care of the little black stick figures. And now she has ridden her gravy train to where she can afford to take on her very own black stick child.

I also like how they’re “not just doing it because it’s the Brad and Angelina plan,” as if that truly is one of the reasons they want to adopt an AIDS orphan from Ethiopia. This may be the most horrific trends in the history of celebrities being idiots.

And I don’t want to let Cole off the hook. You could say that he just married this broad for her looks, but clearly, they belong together.

Cole on bat mitzvahs from SI:

“How do you say it?” Hamels asked. “A what mitzvah? I know a bar mitzvah—”

“You know, Cole, like a bat,” interjected his agent, John Boggs, as he pantomimed a swing. “Sort of.”

“Baht,” the woman with the camera enunciated.

“Baht mitzvah?” Hamels asked. “Am I saying it right?”

“Yes,” she said.

Someone explained that a bat mitzvah refers to a girl and a bar mitzvah to a boy, and Hamels said that all his Jewish friends back in San Diego had been male. “Baht … baht … baht,” he said as the woman lifted the camera to her eye.

Sure, the wife is a much deserved big star. Hell, she “survived” a television show, then took her gear off in Playboy. If that isn’t the epitome of American celebrity success, I don’t know what is.

I can understand not knowing that there are both bar and bat mitzvahs. Not everyone grew up among a lot of Jewish people. I can understand marrying the hot chick from Playboy that is probably rich. I really do.

But there is no excuse for continuing to allow her to speak in public. If you really want to help the “AIDS orphans,” keep them away from her.

And by the way, Hiedi, if you want to adopt six “AIDS orphans” because it’s the right thing to do, why don’t you wander through the part of Philadelphia that you probably don’t live in. There are probably quite a few orphans of different varieties — some AIDS, some crack, some just in a bad spot. The right thing to do is to give back to the city that gave you all of that money to adopt your string of black stick figures.

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